I always fuss about shapes and lines. My hats have to look well proportioned from every angle, as an entire piece on its own as well as in relation to the rest of your bodies/outfits and I am quite confident in achieving it as I have extensive training over decades.
How did I train myself?
I have always hated my appearance and body. I still do. Because of that, I’m super critical when observing what shapes have what effects as I had to use the observation to choose my clothes and accessories to make myself look as bearable as possible.
At this stage the story sounds so negative but please don’t worry.
Of course hating myself so much is not nice. But now the super critical observation helps my creative job and I won’t swap it for anything including the shitty learning process. I see the aesthetic effect of a shape and colour on my customers’ appearance pretty much straight away and can give some useful advice (IF required) while also understanding what this insecurity does to someone’s mind and what to say to make it less painful. I feel that I’ve fully owned the whole experience because of the benefit it has brought. It was a deal with pros and cons that I am now happy to accept. One of the lessons that I learnt is that, although there is so much emphasis on our appearance these days, what you are and what you do as a person is in fact way more important. It may sound true yet not realistic but it really is like that and I will argue it another time.
I still have so much self hate and it has manifested in so many negative way. It has certainly delayed the process of developing my own projects to including demure, has made me a miserable person who can’t deal with social situations and has made me trapped in certain physical/psychological conditions. I was angry with whatever had contributed to the situation. However, I can also honestly say that the entire experience has also contributed to my whole being, which I am ready to embrace. I am somehow picking up some beneficial by-products and they are slowly helping me to be more attentive, sensitive and hopefully emphatic. I have also met people who appreciate these sides of my character and give credits to them. And because of that, I nowadays feel more ok with myself. Of course there are days when I still feel so bad about myself but I at least know that it is only in my head so for now I can say that I have owned my being and feel quite ok about it. I will continue to monitor this interesting developments though, and to those who struggle with any traumatising experiences and low-self-esteem because of that, I sincerely hope that it will help them understand others with similar problems and can join a circle of supporting system and empower each other in a true sense....!