I grew up with a motto of ‘Do what you have to do before doing what you want to do’. I don’t regret this at all because, thanks to this, I have strong sense of responsibility and discipline in general, which helped me gain trust of good people. It wasn’t my ‘Japanese culture’ as often concluded. It was, and it is still my personal choice to value such culture.
However on the other hand, I ended having eternal contempt for ‘doing what I want’. It always seemed selfish and indulgent. I was always focusing on ‘what I had to do yet not had done’ by a very strict standard. And the more disappointed I became for not doing what I thought I had to do, the more reluctant I became to give myself ‘what I wanted’. I forever never felt good enough and kept pushing myself to do ‘what I had to do.’ Such permanent miserable feeling seemed similar to what is referred to as depression. But my definition of depression at the time was being unhappy about something (external) and having nothing to complain about my own privileged circumstances, it felt as if my feeling was ‘a luxury problem’. I also allowed such criticism from others while dismissing the much more sympathetic ones from those who knew me better.
However recently, I had an eye- opening chat with 2 of my good friends. I was casually talking about my ‘anti-social and lazy’ life style during the lock down such as not always taking a shower/not brushing my teeth. I referred these bad habit as ‘laziness triggered by lockdown’ before these friends quickly corrected me by saying ‘You are just forgetting your self worth! You are a charming person who deserves to look neat and have fresh breath. They suit you and you deserve them. Don’t forget that!’.
Till then I always thought, at the back of my mind, that ‘self-care’ was a self-indulgent thing. But taking shower prevent me from smelling badly (which makes me feel even more awful) and brushing my teeth protects me from getting tooth decay. There is nothing indulgent about it. At the same time, it is also too simplistic to say not doing such things is laziness. I in fact know it as a fact. I have always pushed myself to do harder things. I just wasn’t doing those things because I was somehow thinking that I wasn’t worth it.
Since this conversation, I started doing small things that would be good for my health and well-being, not as duties, but to feel love from the friends who made suggestions in that conversation. I started allowing myself 5 min more to better select what I wear for the day rather than grabbing what was on the drying rack in the morning ‘to save hassle of putting the clean clothes in the closet’. I also started accepting and internalizing compliments for what I’ve done. Of course I continued listening to those constructive criticism yet made sure that I didn’t allow the judgmental part to consume myself (if there was such a part).
As a result, I started feeling better little by little but also started feeling the urge to do more of ‘what i have to do’ again. It seems that all the self care routine is still at service of fulfilling my duties, not for my own wellbeing.
At the moment, I try my best to accurately analyze myself and imagine what my partner and empathic friends who truly care about me would suggest to do. I could also communicate with these people much much more but I tend to overthink on my own. This way at least I should use my overthinking in a more positive way.
As you can see, I’m still in a deep trouble and therefore have no positive message to deliver. But please know that, when you feel terrible about yourself, you are not alone. There are others who may suffer from similar sad feelings and/or others who are empathetic and non-judgmental towards you even if it may not feel that way. Just squeeze a bit of courage off your heart and speak to someone you truly like, or you think that might have similar challenges. And if the people you spoke to didn’t seem to help, it was one misjudgment of character. Don’t blame yourself nor give up. Sorry it doesn’t help much but do take care (such great greetings in English language).
